I Really Am Done Now

Does anyone know the life I lead here?

At my house, in church, in the places I should feel most comfortable and call home there is all out war in my mind, my heart, my soul.  It’s not physical.  It’s mental, it’s emotional and above all, it’s spiritual.  

I’m supposed to know without a doubt where I am going to end up when I die, that there is an afterlife, that there is a hell where most people (I’m told) will burn forever.  I’ve heard that kids go there, I’ve heard that kids don’t go there.  I’ve heard that mentally handicapped children go there, well, if there predestined to go there.  I’ve heard that maybe there is not a hell.  I’ve heard that if I don’t go to church every time there is church that I am being unfaithful and therefore, sinful.  I’ve experienced missing church only to discover no one wonders where I am and the reality is no one has a life with me or knows me outside of the church.  I’ve heard that speaking certain words during prayer is forbidden and sinful.  I’ve heard that children should be spanked and often, and should be totally under control by force if necessary.  I’ve been told if you can’t or won’t or don’t speak in a so-called tongue that you do not know Jesus Christ in a personal way.  I’ve been told that I will know when I’ve received the baptism of the Holy Spirit.  Something is going to happen.  Something amazing always needs to be happening or there is a lack of faith, a lack of God, a lack of Spirit or a dryness or a shallowness, or, or, or...  I’m told to keep seeking the Lord, His Spirit until I see miracles, see visions and dream dreams.  Some say the “faithful” ones are inherently blessed and will not get sick, not suffer disease and that their finances are supple and unending.  I could be on this one paragraph all day.  All night.  All year.  All millennia. 

I was born into this.  I was programmed for this.  I didn’t have choices.  My choices were made for me.  There was nothing else.  There was no one else.  There was no other experience.  I have left many thoughts, many of these above, but far below the mark thoughts behind, only to discover that there are new people with new thoughts and plans, great and supposed wonderful plans, but it’s all the same old song and dance. 

It’s dizzying.  It’s exhausting.  It’s confusing.  It’s madness.   

Bullying.  Passive aggression.  Manipulation.  Fear driven belief.  Sick control of all of the surrounding environments.  Smiles, politeness, kindness, manners.  It’s like being raped while the rapist says please and thank you and your welcome and handles you with the most delicate care all while you scream in horror. 
I am supposed to be sure about what I believe.  I am surrounded by people who seem so very sure that they are right on so many  levels, layering ever taller and then those that are so sure they are right disagree with each other whether or not they among themselves are right.  There is a sectioning off, then a divide, then a vehement seething waste of comparing.  If we all just do x,y and z, we will be fine, in fact, we will be great and what those letters stand for is different for each spiritual group that seals themselves off.  

Well, I am not great and I am not fine and I have been doing this whole x,y and z thing in one religious group or another for decades.  I don’t know any more about all of these spiritual carrots people set before me and a huge host of others constantly.  Visions, dreams, speaking in tongues, the back packing it for Jesus stuff, the just feel the Spirit stuff, the neatly and tightly controlled environment we put and keep our children in, the scriptural trumpeting, the cherry picking of thought, language, semantics, ideas, feelings, emotions, the manipulation, the downright manipulation of others, the talking over you, above you conversations, the unrelenting covering up of the dirty, dingy details of life, ourselves, where we really are and what we really think, the sing songy positivity that never allows for one moment of anxiety, sadness or fear, the forcing on of prayer, of words, the pre-empting of human permission.  We must give up our humanness.  We must stop being human beings.  I don’t know how to do that.    

The past takes us to the present which leads ultimately to the future.  Here we are.  It’s the present.  It’s the good old here and now or the bad old here and now.  It’s both.  It’s all good and all bad.    
My life is very full, but yet it is very empty.  I long to possess empathy and real life answers, I want to live caring.  I don’t want to live an uncaring life, but I find myself surrounded by people who are uncaring, ignoring and elite, not toward themselves, of course, but towards those who just don’t make the cut economically, socially, physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally.  If we were really listening to God would we find only the people that resembled ourselves closely and then hold them tightly, rarely allowing those from diverse, socio-economic worlds into our care and friendship?

What is this?

It happens day in and day out.
 
The confusion goes on and on while I believe the real God is simply ignored.  Just blasphemously ignored, shunned.  Christ?  He has nothing to do with any of this stuff.  Seek and you will find.  Yes.  I agree but not in this mess.  I’m in a mess and I don’t how to get out.