What is it with blogs? Everyone I have ever started I have abandoned. I really had a good start with this one and now I don't know. I know whine, whine. Life gets busy or my real intention for being completely transparent has been lost here somehow and that irritates the mess out of me. I want to help people the best way I know how by sharing my failures, by letting them see past the shadow of a smiling woman who is dying on the inside in some ways and totally shaped by religion...bad, not-good-for-you religion, shaped by the past. I guess that is not what I have totally ended up doing here, but I want to get back to authenticity. And then on the other hand it's hard to be completely authentic when you don't know who your authentic self is. You think I would have figured it out by now at the age of 35. Maybe many people don't figure this stuff out until later in life. Yeah, I guess. Or we just spend our lives trying to be someone else, fill the shoes of someone we don't know or want to be or were never meant to be. Huh. Thoughts. There is also that aspect of hiding your true self from others because it might somehow be appalling. And why? Well...
So here I am at three-thirty in the morning, six months pregnant, the other six in the house snoozing, and I'm wondering. I was sitting in my favorite chair that doesn't match the rest of my living and staring at the television. It wasn't on, but I was staring, in the dark and thinking. There are a couple of games shoved underneath the t.v. and one ironically read, The Game of Life. Wow, is life really a game I thought. Maybe it is, I thought. What if it was all just a game? Just a random set of cold dice in which we roll and take our chances or is most of life one big, long session, phasing in and out of real intentional choice. Do we decide to wake up? Do we decide to love? Do we decide to roll up our sleeves and deal with the crap we've been dealt with courage? Do we decide to forgive? Do we make choices on all levels every day? Yeah, mostly I think. Some of life is oddly coincidental or in-coincidental. Stuff happens miraculously and without your help and that's good to know. Like the mechanic who forgot to put my motor fan back in after he changed out the water pump. I drove around town like a champ wondering why my car kept over heating and then finally blew up in clouds of steam. Well, the mechanic towed and fixed almost every broken thing in my car. He even fixed my broken AC at no charge. Talk about miraculous. And in this Floridian heat that is doubly miraculously. And for me lately, for something to go right is triply miraculous.
Some things are just that. But really and mostly I have to steer my life down the path that it should go and there is a lot I want to accomplish in this life. I received a huge boost of confidence in my mind as I heard a guy on the radio talk about how it is never too late to accomplish your goals. He gave examples of famous artists who painted most of their best works after the age of 100. He talked about Colonel Sanders who began KFC chains and how it all began when he was a mere, sprightly 67 years old. I thought, really? Wow.
I want to write and there hasn't been time or I didn't intentionally carve out time for this love of mine. I'd like to write books about a myriad of topics, real topics. I would like to find solutions to so many problems in this world and offer them up for others. I guess it's not too late for my writer's block to hit the road, is it?
Well, now, it's never too late to do anything.