Yeah, how many stinking mid-life crises can one go through? I have no idea, but another one is erupting for me in the midst of all this stuff going wrong.
I'm having "it" again. I'm standing on the outside of my life and looking in and wondering...what in the world? What next? I'm standing at a cross roads once and again and I don't like cross roads. It means I need to find where to stand. And sometimes I don't stinkin' know where to stand. Do we always know where to stand, when to stand or when to cross over into the next phase of life even if you don't know what that next phase of life is?
There's too many things going on right now. Too many bad things. Yeah, things could be worse. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yada, yada. Cheer up, Charlie, right? Bah. I'm in a seriously broken mood and when you've got all these little kids staring at you, up at you, that see you in this place...do I even have the luxury of going "there", this place of feeling crappy about life and saying "why"? They are all looking at me...and guess what? They are going to get a heavy dose of reality. Why do we shield our kids from reality? The reality that one day, on certain days they are going to feel like this, too. That there are bad things happening in our lives that we need to deal with in bad ways and in good ways we deal with these very difficult things. What is so wrong with them seeing reality, seeing mess ups and seeing how we can deal with things? How grown up people mess up, deal with things and fix things.
I'm not for keeping my kids lost in the clouds of life. Yes, we need to point them out, too, those fluffy, beautiful times of life. But life truly sucks sometimes, too, and they need to know that and it shouldn't be kept hidden from them.
So back to my mid-life crisis banter...
I want more from this life. I don't want to be so spread thin that I don't have anything firm to stand on. I don't want to go through this entire life knowing so many people that I never get close to. I don't want my kids to throw away their creativity like I feel like I did as a kid with my eyes glued to games and television. I feel trapped in isolation though I am around so many people. What is up with that? Feeling lonely even around people, lot's of people? I feel left behind by certain people, too. Just a feeling, but it's valid to me. I've also been told that I expect way too much and maybe I do. Maybe I need to change the way I think.
"Fearful child have faith in brighter days..." -Keane
You Are Young is playing in the background. "Nothing is given except the ties that hold us together..." Profound words. The ties that hold us together? What ties do I have? Who am I tied to? Who is tied to me? Nobody truly needs anyone anymore or at least in this moment it feels that way. In this world people are as disposable as last week's left over lunch. God is supposed to be enough at all times. His presence or rather His absence feels strong these days. When He is present, He is physically absent. Where is He? I need a physical presence. All I have is words on a page and my flippant, desperate prayers that fly out of my head into the abyss of time and space. This is where I am.
I don't want to be here. I want to be confident and strong. But I am not. Maybe tomorrow...