I feel sick to my stomach. I am tired and I really don't want to write today, but I am certain that I need to. I am discouraged and a little dazed and confused. I simply don't understand quite a lot. I don't understand.
All that I have known is really gone. All that I believed is now being examined and evaluated for flaws by myself. I have found many and continue to find many large and small cracks in my thinking concerning a great number of my beliefs. I was in the process of becoming what I know now that I absolutely don't want to be.
And what is that, you say? It's a myriad of things, or people, rather, persons, persona's, that I wish to rip, purge, cut off or cut out of myself. A controlling, religious person bent on having things her own way or the way she believed her God wanted things to be in her life and in the lives of others. A cult of personality that led me down various paths of spiritual abuse and manipulation. The giver and receiver of such. Subtle and also, extremely blatant.
The giver. Wow, I was the giver of spiritual abuse and manipulation, too. That's tough to take. It will take some doing just for me to fully process that revelation.
I am in a strange place now, that seems devoid of real friends or real actual persons that understand me. I know that is not totally true, but it feels true. Yes, feelings are deceitful or so I have been told my whole life by various well-meaning, religious people. I say, why did God give us feelings or emotions? Will they always deceive us? That is a question, isn't it? I have so many questions.
I do so digress, don't I? I feel as if I have no place and no voice. It's a lonely place. I know God is here in this solitary place of waging war against all that seems twisted in the Christian world. A world that I have lived in my whole life, a world that seems to have shut me out because I no longer fit. And it is true, I no longer fit in this world where I knew so many people. People I don't know any more and probably never will...misguided people, some very well-meaning people, and some down right manipulating and controlling.
This is a process of stepping back and looking at my life that is so difficult and extremely painful. It is painful to see people in person and not have them speak to you anymore, when we have known each other for years and used to speak. I know I have withdrawn from them, too, so the lack of communication swings both ways. But just the realization of the fact that people you have known your whole life or a good part of your life are not good for you and your family to be around or become close to because of their toxic, extreme or unbalanced religious beliefs is still very difficult, but still, I know and understand, very necessary.
I do wish to wage war, but more of a peaceful, truthful and honest, but firm protest against hyper-fundamental, extreme, unbalanced, toxic, "Christian", religious beliefs. There does need to be an examination and evaluation in the Christian community at large of those coming in as wolves in sheep's clothing leading many astray into fad beliefs, extreme patterns of Christianity, scripture verse cherry-picking, or a systematic pushing of unbalanced teaching of the scriptures. I also realize that I am very responsible for my representation of the real Jesus, the real scriptures, the real Father God and the real Holy Spirit.
How sobering to know that I am loved so much by God that He wanted me to represent Him on this earth. I am amazed by such love and also, very humbled. Humbled to know that I must represent His true love and forgiveness, mercy and grace here on the earth and how I have so failed to do just that.
He has forgiven me for being unloving, controlling and abusive to those around me. He is restoring my soul and leading me beside still waters. He is a loving Shepard, leading me into safe, green and lush pasture. In His abundant forgiveness, He has also asked me to wage war against all that is not of Him, by Him and for Him. He has asked me to take up my cross and follow Him and Him alone and no one else. It's so lonely and so hard sometimes, but I know He will lead me on and give me strength to stand.