Fighting Insecurities from Within
Having been in a certain place in life for so many years, my thinking was formed by that place. My view of myself was formed in that religious, unloving place. This narrow-minded place of seeing things only one way. Seeing things one way and really not seeing at all. Blindness has set in and there is an all prevailing blundering around in the dark. And I realize that the years of being obligated to religion have definitely taken their toll on my mind and I have unearthed another layer of that someone I don’t want to be.
I am insecure.
I just fully figured that out today as I attended a homeschool graduation ceremony. The church was filled with lot’s of people, all different kinds of people from all different backgrounds, but I still couldn’t help but to feel irked, terribly irked by some of the religious people I used to see and be around and talk to. And now that I don’t attend a church “faithfully”, well, I suppose that I am just, well, not part of the inner circle anymore. I love God. I’m God’s child and I would just like to be the church faithfully instead of follow some man’s or some church’s plan for my life.
Needless to say, I felt out of place, even though there were so many other people in attendance, the few that I had seen in churches, the ones we used to visit often, looked at me as if I were invisible. It hurts to have people you know look past you as if you weren’t there. And why do I care so much? If I please God, why should I care what man can say? Why?
I have been groomed for insecurity and for the lust and hunger in me to beg for the approval of man is strong. It’s also a natural leaning in me to want to please other people, so much so that I get upset at thought of anyone not liking me. Silly, I know, but true. Insecurity, you have stolen my joy and I am so very tired of you.
This insecurity has taken its toll on me and I know it is something that I need to overcome. I suppose I also need to acknowledge that all Christians and that all churches do not do this to you. At least I know some Christians that don’t. Precious few, but I know some. Pharisees look at you as if you were nobody until you please their agendas for your life or until you agree with them on what they think you need to agree with them about. It’s unfortunate to admit, but I am terrified to enter into relationships with Christians. I am afraid if I don’t measure up they will withhold love and that somehow their friendship will be withdrawn over a spiritual disagreement or our ways of living will clash. And still, why do I care, why would I want to surround myself with people like that anyway?
That is a good question and one I must think about further. I want to please God. He is so gracious and kind and His love never wavers for me and He is and should be enough for me. Filling up on God may cure my insecurities. Wait, actually, I know it will.
So I think this dependency on others has become an addiction and more important than God and His plan for my life. It becomes so important that I feel sick at the sight of other snobby, religious people ignoring me. I see pictures of people from my past life on facebook and it makes me utterly sad. Wanting to be included in the lives of people who don’t want to include you or who you don’t want to include, I know, makes absolutely no sense and living this way makes utterly no sense, but here I am. I see people I used to know all the time and it does cause pain in my heart, but I need to be able to look at them without it affecting me, but how?
And tonight my family, all seven of us played in the yard. It was a cool, pleasant evening and the breeze was blowing slightly. So beautiful. And my children were smiling at me. And my husband was smiling at me. And God was smiling at me. And I felt loved. The kind of love I have received from only a very few people in my life, especially in the religious world and it felt unconditional. And thankfulness began to overwhelm my insecurities.
It does. Thankfulness does overwhelm our insecurities and so does prayer to a loving and real God, not the god fashioned by the minds of mortals. The real God wants me to rest in Him and trust that He will unchain me from an insecure life. I am trusting that He can and He will.