I have been gone for five days visiting my family. And all I can say is wow.
I have some serious news rolling around in my head on all levels as a result of this world wind trip. Newsflashes, passes of information at the station of reality, in and out, getting more and more food for thought. Food for thought. The brain I was given to me at birth felt and feels like it was and is going to explode. For real.
A full range of emotions took over everything and some of my family members had to deal with my emotions. Those poor dears. I had feelings of rejection, places of understanding and misunderstanding, full felt moments of sheer love, delight, rage, anger, hate, delusion, mystery and peace, too. Things are happening. Things are always happening over there it seems. There and here in my own heart.
On this trip, one wise woman told me, it is what it is. You get what you can get, you do what you can do and have what you have, enjoy the good, throw out the bad. I learned a lot by what she said that day. And maybe I needed to go just to hear her say those simple words that meant so much to me in that moment.
It is what it is.
It's freaky how after this was told to me it was repeated to me by others on this trip on a whim. Weird. My family is who they are and I love every one of them, just the way they are. I realize just how "normal" my family might be. It's true and there is a lot of good here, together as family. We take the good with the really, really bad and we deal with it, and get through it all somehow. Some is just down right sickening, some of it makes me want to get in fetal position and cry all day, but I can't. I have my own.
My own kids, my own husband, my own life, my own sphere and my own problems, for sure. For real. But something is true for me in this moment and hopefully now and forever. I'll be seeing my family regularly everywhere and everyone, no matter how far they fall or how far they are. I'll be by to visit sometime again to check in, to say hi and to be with you. I miss you already.
This trip was set in motion solely to go to see my brother Matt, who is, well, the family knows. That's all that matters. The point was to go, show love, talk, say hi, see how he is and that's all. I walked into his really nice apartment that was cluttered with all sorts of things...stuff, stuff he doesn't need physically, mentally or emotionally. He was sorry and embarrassed at the state of his place where he lays his head at night. We talked, we told a joke or two. We chopped garlic and onion together for his special sauce he has been making for years. A sauce he used to serve me as a kid with sausage in it when I visited him in the Army. The brother who took me skiing and the one who took me to Georgia to go on trip with his family. The brother who took me to see awesome fireworks in New Hampshire just because I wanted to go. We cleaned up the kitchen together. He told me I was set for food, anything I wanted I could have. We sliced up delicious watermelon. We served up dinner together. We ate rolls of provolone together and he showed me some of his tricks in the kitchen.
We ate, we took the kids, his two beautiful blondies out to the playground, them, those little girls who were in oblivion. The oblivion of love for father, no matter what he had done or what he may be doing now. It was freezing, and this Floridian complained and we went back in. From there, it's a blur of sitting around watching TV and not much talk going on. And now I think I know why it got so silent in that moment. Just a hypothesis not to be shared. I goofed off too much and irritated my brother. I fell on his leg and hurt him. It all went down hill from there. I was asked to leave and never to come back. I attempted to apologize and it just escalated from there, so we left.
I called incessantly and no answer. I woke up at 6am each morning just to drive to your apartment only to have you not answer the door. A text came to never have contact with you again. You made it abundantly clear to me that you are through with me.
I got to say it hurts. It hurts to know that I took great pains to come and see you and then you slammed the door shut over a misunderstanding, an accident. And guess what?
It is what it is. It is what it is.
It's bad, it's really bad. Death is something I think about often and it is imminent. For all of us, but for him. I don't know. I won't go there. It is what it is.
I will keep trying to visit and checking in and showing what love I am allowed or what I can.
There is one more who is doing the same thing for you...God, Jesus, his son. He doesn't force Himself and never will. Won't threaten you or give you crazy, silly things to believe in. He wants to give you Himself, give you His love, give you His power to overcome addictions, to overcome a fetal position that you have wrapped yourself in fear for so long, He, Him. And when no one will forgive you, He will. He's pretty amazing.
I am turning the tables and I am going out on a limb and I am saying...you give God a bad name. Whoever "you" are. It's me. You know who you are. I know who I am. I have given Him a bad name, been a bad, supposed representation of Him. I have been. Don't want to be.
I don't want to give God's love a bad name, deluded with silly beliefs, hung up by my own pet peeves in life that I think are all encompassed in my belief in Him and His Son Jesus Christ and His Holy Spirit. Many aren't in Him. My way of doing things is off some and I don't want to give God's love a bad name. That's all.
I'm turning tables. Jesus is flipping tables in rage, yes, anger. I'm turning the tide in my own life. Jesus gets mad...can you believe it? I am mad right now and would like to flip my own tables, tables filled with those silly coins weighing the table of truth down, but that's a post for another time entirely.
And I say, let's turn tables. Turn the tide, change directions. Delusions are everywhere. Run from them. Run fast and hard from silly fables. Run to the truth. The truth of the real and loving Jesus.