I leave tomorrow to go back to my roots. I am going home. My childhood home was sold, but I am going home. My father died, but I am going home. My mom and my sis moved away, but I am going home. What's left of my family in New England I am going home to. Me and my sis are going home to who's left.
I'll see all five of my siblings and I am trying to get them all in one room together. For some people that's easy, for us it's like water and oil fighting together to make one cohesive unit of fluidity. Yeah, that was an oxymoron. Because it is an oxymoron.
The five of us being in the same room together is an oxymoron. The whole idea of it is an oxymoron. And I can't help but be totally envious of those people in my life who seem to have a "normal" family. They come together at Christmas time and hang out or they may even plan a trip together because they are so close. That kind of stuff does not go on in my family and I hate that it doesn't. Some of you are so blessed. Don't ever take all that you have for granted.
I read a blog this morning that talked about shattering or changing the paradigm and I'm here to say... I'm sick of my immediate family being so disjointed and dysfunctional. I am sick of it. Sick, sick, sick. I feel physically sick and spiritually sick to know how we all are in my family and how coming together ain't easy, in fact, it feels down right impossible. Something intangible forever. We are all just way too different.
Me and my siblings, we are all so very different and we all have our own problems to deal with, but I don't care, I hope we can all be in the same room together even if it is just for a moment in time.
I want to shatter this dysfunctional paradigm. I want to shatter what we were molded into as children...unloving, unforgiving, self-righteous, pious little children...who grew up and still deal with more of our same old ways as grown adults in our own way.
The five of us grew up. We still all have our own problems, but we all still have hearts that beat inside our chest, too. We all breathe in and out every day. Our chests rise and fall every second of every day.
We all have minds that we think with in so very different ways. Ways that keep us from coming together as a family.
But right now...All I know is that one day our chests won't rise and fall with every second of every day forever. All I know is that I have three brothers and a sister who have kids, beautiful kids who I love dearly. All I know is that life has passed us by, passed us up and ran us over and we are getting older.
Our father is gone and who knows what next year will bring or even next week?
Who knows when a heart will stop beating? Only God. And I want to start picking up this paradigm, this paradigm of fragmentation and disagreement, and sometimes hate and just smash it all to pieces until there is nothing left to recognize. I want to begin afresh, anew, with a brand new paradigm.
I can't escape Ghandi's words, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Those words are on my wall in my house, in fact, they are over my stove where I cook so much and where I know I'll see those words and often. I don't know what anyone else intends to do in my family to get us close, but I'll tell you I am going to fight for my family. I am going to fight for us to know each other. I am going to fight hard to love everyone of these siblings of mine, just the way they are, just the way they think and just the way they live, by the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ. He is going to help me and He is going to do "this" in me.
I want to love my family. I want to give to my family. And I want to be there for my family. I am going to visit my family. I wish I lived near my family and I will be sad to leave my family.
Despite the problems and difficulties we have had to face and are facing in our family, underneath it all, I see beauty. I see love. I see hope. I see Jesus.
Somewhere underneath this dysfunction that, at times, rages so strongly, I see forgiveness. I see hope. I see life.
I see children. Our children that we all have together who are cousins, who are family. We are uncles and aunts and cousins and grandchildren and sisters and brothers and family. I love my family.
And as it stands now, we are at odds in many ways with one another for one reason or the next and I say phooey. Phooey on the past. Past be gone and forgotten. Present be forgiving and loving. And future, may there be good things waiting for us there.
And Jesus please guide me as I go. Many things can happen, but a prayer for peace, life, love and hope in You goes on in a never ending meditation in my mind, soul and heart.
This same peace I pray fervently for in my family, a peace with God and of God, because I'm going home. Right now home is where I belong.
And I am like a kid in a candy shop when it comes to believing in the miracles of God. I've seen them before and I wait and believe again in what's about to happen.
Time to go get my brown, penny candy bag to go fill up. Because I'm like a little child having faith and I can't wait to fill my crumpled bag up to over flowing.