I have opened pandora's box. I have been awakened. There's no turning back.
I only just started this blog yesterday and already "they" are waiting in the wings, waiting to attack and they know who they are.
Waiting, just like I used to wait.
Waiting to pounce.
Waiting to discredit before fully knowing.
Waiting to hurt others in the name of righteousness.
Waiting to try to find one hair of an issue with this blog, so you can do what I have done many times to others, myself...
Throw me under the bus.
I know this was going to be hard, but I never realized it until...
I just did...Nike.
I just started...Nike.
I just created a spark, a flame of fire that is going to mow down...me, MYSELF, actually MYSELF will still be standing, but the dross is just starting to get hot and begin to melt off. People, whoever you are, this journey is my own. I thought I said that already. So, well.
Wow, hatred, wrath, strife and the desire...the sheer desire, like a cougar waiting....not on the Lord, not walking in love or understanding, but ready and waiting and desiring nothing more than to pounce.
I just don't understand that.
And that powerful click of a mouse and you can control it all. Let's talk it out. In private, if that is how you have to do it, but let's hammer away and let's not be afraid.
God hasn't given us the spirit of fear, but I'll tell you...
I am scared half to death and not because of God, but because I need rescuing...from MYSELF and
from so. many. people. who. claim. they. follow. Jesus.
Jesus, save me from your followers...yes, there is actually a movie about this and it is very good and it really helped me to stop.
Stop controlling. Stop pouncing. Stop hurting others.
Stop micro-managing. Stop trying to fix things, and people all the time.
Just love them.
I hear the criticisms in my head because I was "there". I did "that". I did. I did all of this, my whole life and so much. I was molded this way. Yes, I'll give some of the blame to them...those two people who had me, but this is not just a blog about what "they" did or what someone else did, but what "I" did and am doing and want to stop.
This next post will be raw and packed with pain and it's all about ME. Me modeling out what I have been, what I have been taught and how I have been groomed, by my family, by my Christian High School, by my Christian College, by the IFB church that I went to for eight years.
And I am glad to say that I have walked away from it all to find...the real Jesus and the real bible.
My brain was clouded for thirty years with so much added and taken away from the HOLY SCRIPTURES.
Cherry-picked verses for personal gain or benefit, instead of the whole counsel of God.
The nightmare of comparison and contrasting our lives with everyone else's.
The misuse of scripture over and over and over and over and over again.
The control over others, so acute that, well, not today, I'll end there.
I just can't even believe what a nightmare I have lived. I had to run away and hide. We have not been in the formal setting of a church for almost four years and it has been the most wonderful, healing and restorative years of my life. Stealing away to Jesus. I am just now starting and thinking wow, what have I become? Who am I...in Christ? What am I doing to people?
Some people think it's dangerous...
Some people think it's bitter...
Some people call this unfruitful...
I call it freedom.
The freedom to help ease the pain of others by sharing my own stories. Oh, no, that's not true...this blog is about ME, MYSELF and I. Wow, did I say three selfish words in a row? No, I didn't, but YOU think I did. You, who hovers over your mouse clicking with bated breath, to forever forget what you were trying to do instead of just talking about "it" and YOU know what it is. Don't feel bad...I used to do it, too. Just talk to me, hammer it out. I want to be reasonable. And I know, maybe, just maybe it wasn't what I thought it was and that could be true, but I have a feeling that...well.
I used to facebook and delete people...because well, uh, they looked so bad. Yeah, I am serious. Sick, isn't it?
So this is talking, too, anyone who wants to join this fight...this fight against what has been defined to us in our lives as truth...any of it, all of it, every part of life. I am realizing now that I have been handed piles of garbage to me for years and was told that is was the TRUTH.
Perceptions, assumptions and the tainted view from where I stand has been destroying my whole life, because used to let it. Not anymore....in Him, I move and have my being.
This next post is more of my OWN confession, because I am not yet ready to go beyond nothing more than mere confession...not just yet.