Me and my son. Sitting and stumbling. All is quiet and it's just me and him. And the first thing that rolls off his tongue is...
"I am so mad, Mom." *cue big frowning face*
The following convo proceeds....
"Mom, I don't want to have sisters anymore." -him
"Oh, no, don't say that. Why, wow, did you say that? That's not..." -me
AND THEN SOMETHING AMAZING HAPPENED...
I stopped mid-stream and I started to think, because I am free to think..."What are you doing?" only in my head, not out loud.
And NOW I see "it" liking a blinding flash...this "thing" I do everyday to my poor kids.
I was trying to fix a problem...again. I was stopping him up, like I always did and am trying to STOP doing, but I can't stop. How do I stop?
I wouldn't even let him talk before I was quick at work to fix, repair his "what I thought" broken thinking, ungodly thinking. I was glossing over his...pain stemming from something somebody did to him. And yeah, he was very angry...straight out of bed, so you KNOW, well, common sense should tell me to LISTEN to my kid...let him be HONEST...stop MOWING him down...stop trying to do what ONLY the Holy Spirit can do and shut up and LISTEN.
That is a huge word and has much meaning in and of itself.
To give close attention with the purpose of hearing; to give ear; to hearken; to attend.
So much encompasses the great, big beautiful, freeing globe of listen. It isn't just a buzz word. It's where everything starts. And I mean everything.
Listen. I have a hard time listening. I may seem like I am listening to you, but it's false. I pretend well. I wasn't listening to you, hearing you while you spoke, well, in most cases. I was hearing the next thing I want to say, I was hearing all my stuff that's up there in my pious brain, instead of your pain, or your stories or just your words...whatever you chose for them to be that day. I was quick...in a hurry to get you to see my point, immediately trying to fix you. Hurrying up to straighten you out along your "way", throwing bible verses at you before I even listened to you. And I mean listened to you, fully and completely and slowly. Quick to hear and slow to speak...see it's all in there.
Sitting and stumbling and free to think. Free to stumble and free for the first time to actually fully notice it FOR MYSELF.
FOR MYSELF. I don't listen and I don't hear, my kids, you, my husband, all people. I fake it in most occasions. I have the concerned gaze and everything, but I'm not doing the real deal.
I can't believe what a liar I have been. What a liar.
And I hate lying. I really do. I know a few habitual, mass manipulating liars. And, yeah, I really hate lying. But, alas, I am a pretender myself, a liar...a poser. Someone pretending to do something she is not really doing. Okay, there I said it. It's true.
And acknowledgment yields power and power yields understanding and understanding yields patience and patience yields growth and growth yields love.
Sounds like some verses to me, but it's not being thrown at anyone else. This is about ME. MY journey. The view from where I sit and I must say...I don't see your view. I am here, in this cage, trying to break free. You are where you are and I am where I am. I won't try to get you to come where I am if you don't try to get me to go where you are.
So I am at the beginning or should I say end of MYSELF. I wake up in the morning and I want to listen. Listen to the real Jesus, the real Holy Spirit. He speaks to me softly, gently and urgently, pressing me on and breaking me free from...religion, a pious, sanctimonious spirit of self-righteousness.
I have layers of lies that I don't even know about yet.
I was in a cage and I am slowly being set free from it...because I am free to think and free to yield to the one true and living God and His love...
With eyes wide open. Fully open, fully listening...and He's going to do it all for me.