I can't believe it.
I. Am. Having. It. Yes, I am. It's here and I never thought it would be so soon and at such a young age. Yeah, I am 23 plus ten. It's, it's a bird, it's a plane, it's a full blown mid-life crisis. Yes, it has inevitably happened. I feel like I am losing my mind. I am losing my mind or gaining it rather. Gaining my mind...yes, I am gaining a new mind and losing my old mind. My spoken and written words, my actions, my brain and my heart have totally taken over my life, my mind, my being and I have a serious headache.
I have a serious headache and I have a wonderful problem all at once.
I want...wow, I am using the word "I" in abundance...TO WRITE.
I can't take it any more. There is too much rambling around inside my brain like...
How do I process my horribly controlling and abusive childhood and help others and WRITE about it without seeming "bitter and hateful" to my counterparts or my family?
There's a whole book right there. No, I am serious. That is one WHOLE book if I really allowed myself the time. Yeah, and that is another mid-life crisis word...ALLOWED MYSELF, along with the word "I"!
Here's another whole book...Where Did All the Thinking Christians Go? Yeah, like, where did I go or where have I been rather?
Another book...What Does it Really Mean to Love People? Words. Pages. Swirling. Night. And. Day. In my head.
Another book I could write...Kids are Essential for Knocking All the Rough Crud Off of the Old Folks. That's me. Or better titled...Yeah, I Thought I Had This Parenting Thing All Figured Out and Then, Bam, Baby, over the head with another bigem, bigum?, big one? Oh, I don't know, you know what I mean.
Back to the original subject, I give to everyone except myself in most cases...and I am done. Well, not really done, but sort of done. I LOVE to give, but I need some more giving to this direction *finger pointing directly at me*. I am going to be full enough with self help so I can help everyone else. Does that make sense? Even if it doesn't make sense, who cares. It is what it is. I am going to give to MYSELF and not feel bad. I am going to take the time to write. I have something to give, something to share, a way to help and want a place to think.
I want to write for MYSELF. Wow, I already said that. It's a mid-life crisis AND an early onset of alzheimer's. I want to enjoy and to have something for MYSELF. Wow, did I say that word again. I have given to others until my eyes are bleeding and I am tired. Tired of not having one thing for ME. One place where I think, heal, learn, grow, process, heal some more and WRITE!
Join me or ignore me...but you don't want to miss this...it is going to be a very wild ride.
I have checked my brain out at the door for TOO LONG...
as a horribly abused child(back when my brain was physically owned by someone else), as an Independent Fundamental Baptist preacher's daughter, as a pawn in the hands of so many others, used, manipulated and brainwashed. So many people used my mind as their playground and God in Heaven, please help me to stop the madness that has been done to me, so it may not happen to others. Sometimes you recreate your own madness in a different way and spill it on to others and I have done that. I can't BELIEVE that I have done that! I want to stop and process some other way...a way that takes my desire to control people, to conditionally love people, to put all things in my OWN box and expecting others to process it my way or the high way...I'm chucking all that in the trash for something better. A WAY that works for the benefit of all. It's a vague thought for now and not so clearly defined yet, but a true one, nevertheless.
I have gone on auto pilot for SO MANY YEARS. I refuse to anymore.
And I realize, I don't know much. There's so much more to the story. To my story. Everyone's story. I need to think about that the next time I open my mouth or write anywhere other than here. Here is gritty. I may delete, re-write, take it back, shock you out of your gourd, really, rethink and hammer it out again and again here. I want to be in tune! In tune with the real Holy Spirit, in tune with the real God of this world and in tune with people and in tune with the culture!
And if you want fluff or farmville, what a crock! *cue the interlude music, dramatic pause, hold on, wait a minute, a light bulb just turned on inside my head, what did I just say?* Oh, wait, that was a judgment. Some people really need farmville, kind of like I need to post statuses on facebook about nothing or the cute thing my kid just did. So again, if you want roses and sunshine, hearts, flowers and beautiful pictures of my kids, check out my facebook page because this blog won't be for that. No pictures, no homeschool links(wait, I take that back), no recipes(well maybe one or two), no rolling hills with the sheep in the pasture...in SAFE pasture with a loving SHEPARD and I will get to HIM, too. No, no, this will be none(well, maybe some) of that.
Twill be raw, ugly thinking in its organic phase. I'm throwing it all out on a limb because I am like a pot ready to boil over and those poor people over there (where is there? I don't know, someone tell me.) on facebook are so very tired of my ramblings and who can blame them? Wow, two similes in one sentence. Or is it analogies or comparisons? Am I the queen of rabbit trails, or what? Okay, that is too many questions. See, I told you I was having "it".
My hammering out will be here, my thinking will be here, my healing will be here, all just another piece in the puzzle of my long, long journey. I will be here writing "this" once a day. It's my second safe place.
If you want to walk it through, talk it out, set me straight, read my lines, contribute to the fray instead of meshing in...then you are very welcome here. Let's hammer things out together.
Come let us reason together, says Jesus. Reason, logic, and critical thinking. Can you imagine that? I just discovered the wheel. Verily, I did. Jesus said that. To use our brains. Wow, this is getting really redundant. I think you totally get the point.
These potatoes have baked for too long and they are coming out of the oven hot, fresh and ready to chew on and totally and completely and absolutely organic.
One big word for you as you read, if you read, too, is concessions( and that's in all caps without really using threatening seeming caps like I did before)....and....lot's of them, concessions.
Hey, I like the word organic. It's a keeper.
My husband brought me a cup of coffee...why is it so good? I want to know! Oh, wait, it's the cream and sugar and it's Caribou. That's WHY! And because I didn't have to make it and because I have a wonderful husband who "serves" me as much as I "serve" him.
I could cry, I could dance, I could sing because...
I am free to think.