Blankets...As in Statements, Bondage and Control








Guess what?

It's happening again.  The urge to write is "it" this time and it keeps me lit up even though there is a pain in my neck and my backside is turning numb.  No, it really is.  I tend to really exaggerate(such a bad habit I have and I am "working" on it, but wait I can't "work" on it...can I?  Aww, shucks we'll talk about that laatterrr.), but not this time, I think.  But wait...shouldn't I be watching my kids, feeding them, helping them, holding them?  I ONLY have five of 'em(and if another lady tells me they "only" have two kids or "only" has one kid or oh, man, I don't have kids *cue frowning face*, after I tell them I have 5 kids, I am going to scream, I mean, I am just telling you how MANY kids I have...that is it!  Oh wait, oh, Deb, control yourself, that would be bad to scream, shout or show ANY kind of emotion or irritation.  Stop it.  In any case, our guard goes up and we start that whole comparing crap*that's what it is, is there any better word?*  Okay, yes, I'll go to the scriptures...it is UNWISE, comparing crap that is, well, not comparing crap, oh, you know what I mean!) 

Shouldn't I be serving my poor, tired husband somehow?  Nope.  I am supposed to do this right now.  The kids are watching Alvin and the Chippies(I hate that show!  Oh, and now it is Max and Ruby...what a relief I love that show!), my husband is fooling with my new droid phone(he needs his own stinkin' droid and so do each one of the kids and they need to leave mine ALONE!) and he's bringing me one cup o' joe after thee nother one, sweetened and creamed to perfection because he loves me SO much and because he knows I got his back where the coffee is concerned when he is in the fray hammering away himself somewhere, somehow in his mind.  The nitty, gritty pain, sadness and regret is coming.  My kid is getting me some water and I am going to take two extra-strength tylenol, rapid(thank God for smart people!) release to deal with the pain and sorrow and sadness this next post is to me. 

And what do we call that...it is called freedom.  The smell of freedom, the taste of prime rib and the desire never, ever to go back to chuck roast.  Well, freedom within reason, we don't want to get carried away or what one somebody told me one time, "We can't go all willy, nilly or something crazy, because the Holy Spirit?  How could He ever control and help you?  Do what I say and what you are told and nobody will get hurt!  Well, in all serious, now, (alert, alert, alert! the sarcasm is slowly ending or maybe not totally, I am not sure yet.) serious sobriety, there's disaster and so many are getting hurt and it isn't an "isolated" incident.  It is not something exclusive to any group, but a prevailing taint that has TAKEN over.  Over what?  WHO has taken over what?  Well, let's talk about it.  Who has taken over who?

And again, I am just getting started.

*Prayers going up* 

Okay, stop, wait, that's sanctimonious junk.  (Wait, am I pre-judging myself?  Could be, but I am pretty sure I am not.  I know my preprogrammed, brainwashed mind more than any other earthling.  Btw, greetings earthlings, *cue robotic, alien voice* you are welcome to join me in this journey, say whatever you want and hammer with me because I love all earthlings everywhere no matter what they think, I hope I do, well, I want to.) 

I don't need to tell anyone that I am praying and uh, I think God would rather that I didn't tell people that I am praying because they don't need to know or maybe they do, sometimes.  And where in the world in the bible do you see anyone telling anyone else that they are praying for them?  Uh, oh, I'm doing what I am good at, standing on my soapy, slippy sliding soapbox.  I think I am going to fall off and bust my head or break my neck. 

I just need to pray.  Just do it.  Nike.  Yeah, I really, really like that slogan.  If Nike had (I'm sure they do!) a facebook, friendy, pagey, thingydingy(wow, did I just invent a compound word...I'm genius, yes, I am.) I'd be slamming the like button forever and ten days.  Just.  Stinkin'.  Do.  It.  Don't keep telling everybody and then you are totally feeling terrible when you promise to pray(or promise yourself to give to yourself!) and don't.  I, me, I want to stop the madness, folks, for myself, MYSELF.  This is a personal journey, for me, myself!  Don't know about you...chime in WHENEVER you want.  I love hearing from people...all people.  EVERYWHERE.  Collaboration is good, not bad.  It is good, really good.  The meeting of the minds hardly ever happens where I stand and we need it, yeah, every single day.  For real.  Oh, I like "for real," that's another keeper.  Honestly.  Oh, wait, I hate that word, because it sounds really...I don't know, just, bleh.

There I go AGAIN, rabbits in the trees and all along the pathway and hanging in the trees leaving their trails behind them.

*deep breath*  Really, really deep breath.  *sigh*  *long, horrible, miserably, pathetic, weepy, starving child kind of sigh*   

I have tried to control others.  For. So. Much. Of.  My. Life.  I was controlled my whole life or brainwashed or manipulated by scores of well-meaning earthlings, under the guise of love or not, or throw the sweet lovely guise in the trash can and you've just got ugly, abusive controllers and I am here to say...I am ready to examine, observe, see, admit and stop the madness....FOR MYSELF.  Again, do what YOU want.  You are you.  And I am me.  And I want to say, that I have never fully admitted to myself or others that I have tried to control people.  And now I want "it" denounced, decried and "it" to become repulsed and disgusted by yours truly.  Control.

I am, was, were a master controller.  A master manipulator.  On purpose, for my cause, or just in ignorance and all in the name of Jesus, somehow.  Well, I am now becoming a conscientious objector.  I am done fighting the battle control wished for me to wage.  I am putting my weapons of guilt, shame, ridicule, twisted coercion, and assumptions and presumptions and perceived reality to rest.  R.I.P. my enemy, forevermore, never to be revived, please?  Just go away and leave me alone.  Is it that easy?  Can I just say it and it magically disappears.  My BIG lust for control is just going to disappear, really?  No, not really, but here we are...a place of admittance.  Others have gotten the whole "don't control people down thing" years ago.  Me, we are just starting.  I am ripping down the wall of control with a pick ax(Jesus is my pick Ax, yes, He is and if I don't include Him right here and right now in my post I'm going to feel bad and not because He is making me feel bad, but because I am afraid of those, just like myself, who are ever trying to control someone else.).  One day at a time I want to be totally rid of this ugly, nasty thing that has eaten up the better part of my life, taken my joy and left so many people jaded and hurt and misdirected as a result of me...my doing.  I just want to cry.  Did I really do this, that, now, here, just yesterday(to a dear, young friend)?  It's a long journey...and a friend told me this morning(thank God for friends who have a brain!)...it all starts with ME.

Ghandi said, (yeah, Ghandi, he was a smart and wise guy and I bet he's a true believer...it just sounds like he might be and who cares? And if he isn't I pray Jesus takes his soul over.  We can learn from anybody anyway, right?!  Of course, right!).  Well, he said, "Be the CHANGE you wish to see in the world!"  Ghandi probably didn't put the good, 'ole exclamation point there probably, but I'm putting it there, folks.  Folks is a keeper, too.  I like that one.  Chalk it up.  It's staying, at least for now.  Ghandi was great and I am just giving his great quote a little bitty umph, a little push. 

And with that push, I am falling off a cliff, descending down and down and I don't really know completely where I'm going to fall.  I am scared half to death, but I am smiling, because I think, I believe at the end of the long, hurling descent there "it" is...the place where the control death drop( I should say LIFE drop...it is LIFE, a life drop!!) stops.  There is life in abundance.  Peace in abundance, over in abundance and a soft place to fall...straight into the arms of Jesus, the lover of me, the lover of them who I have been trying to control all this time.  Oh, it's so safe and restful there.  He's going to feed His flock like a Shepard, he's going to gather the lambs with His arms and gently lead those that are with young.  His yoke is easy and His burden is LIGHT.  There...that place I can say I love you and mean it, no matter what anybody does.  No matter...what.  Those matters aren't MY matters.  Those matters are theirs and Jesus' matters.  I need to love unconditionally.  Just like Jesus loves me. 

And the burning question here is, where do I get all of this control?  Where does it come from?  And I mean earthly control, the need to dominate everyone and everything in my pathway?  Like no, honey, don't take that turn, I know best, take this turn!  *Let the poor guy drive the car without you telling every little turn*  Or kids, you can't play with the chalk on the sidewalk right now because you need to do five more chores after I just had you "do school" and basic chores!  *Really, you control freak, do you really need to be so persnickety, give them a break*  Or much worse...thou shaltest homeschooleth your kiddseth all thy life no matter whatest or you are evilest!  Okay, there I go exaggerating again (I told you it was a weakness) and making a blanket statement in a post that is against blanket statements, but remember what I told you...this is just whatever "it" is.  I don't fully know it all yet nor will I ever, but I decry knowing it all because I feel like I don't know much...but I know Jesus loves me and He promised me He would never leave me or forsake me or wait, did He only tell the Jews in the Old Testament that?  Is it really for me, too, or no?  But He won't love you if..........?  Okay, just try to fill in that blank.  I'm not talking about what you are going to come up with to totally derail this whole point I'm making "here".  You KNOW what I am talking about.  Don't play dumb...and I am talking to myself.  This whole blog is a life in parentheses and talking out loud about everything...but you already figured that out, I surely hope.

We all have some of it, control, I mean, and it's got to stop and I'll tell you I CAN'T stop.  And given that, I have already said I would stop being controlling, but I can't.  I am just contradicting myself.  How can I stop?  And I am asking you, the people, whoever you are.  I have lived my whole life like this.  My.  Whole.  Life.  What can I possibly do?  It's all I have ever known.  I have been programmed to think in the way of control. 

Dr. Phil, yeah, I don't care for him all that much, just my opinion(oh, and there's going to be many of those "here", opinions are allowed here and I'll try and save it for here, but you never know), but he said something that rings true..."you can't change what you don't acknowledge."  Where have you been all my life, Dr. Phil?  Corny Dr. Phil.  I could have learned from...you.  Yeah, him.

So, today, I am paying attention, I am waking up, I am seeing control in my life for what it is and I am acknowledging the ugly monster behind the curtain.  In fact, I am scratching at those itchy blankets, like blank checks that fill up with my crap that I use to buy more and more control over these poor people that put up with me.  Yes, I am taking them off.  Some blankets are so tight and they are stuck.  The glue of the "unknown" is thick and sticky and it won't.  Let.  Me.  Even.  Go.


But only time will tell, in five minutes my big mouth is going to open up and all I can say is God help me, I am drowning in control.   "I never said it would be easy.  I only said it would be worth it."


Set me free.  Pick me up.  Oh, God, please forgive me for MY control.  

2 comments:

Question Everything, Find the Truth and Prove It said...

I hate destructive criticism. Is there really a right or wrong answer to this process?

Robbie Grayson said...

Wowness. This is REAL, girl! Here is a quote one of my students in New Jersey just sent me after a talk on Friday night.

"It is an illusion that youth is happy, an illusion of those who have lost it; but the young know they are wretched for they are full of the truthless ideal which have been instilled into them, and each time they come in contact with the real, they are bruised and wounded. It looks as if they were victims of a conspiracy; for the books they read, ideal by the necessity of selection, and the conversation of their elders, who look back upon the past through a rosy haze of forgetfulness, prepare them for an unreal life." SOMERSET MAUGHAM